how the obligatory post came about.
I am brimful with emotions, but they are in check. My heart has been weary, but it is still beating. If you have been reading me for a while, and you enjoy psycho-analysis, you will smirk when I start to type ‘obligatory post’. You will understand that this is me repeating my paranoid thoughts, revisiting my usual maladies, seeking the same balm for the soul. Write.
This is the post that rears its head ever so often- Ever so often, I will ponder on the vastness of this information network, ever so often my entries which are coded and guised, will come outright and admit that it is near impossible for me to blog about the cereal I eat, and the people I hate, outright admittance. In other words, it is usually impossible to blog straightforwardly- without fear of unknown intrusions, without fear of marring an authentic experience by recording it, leaving it open-ended and susceptible to interpretations and edits of third parties. But in such an obligatory post, I will realize it all over again, and try to defend why not.
These entries are often evoked by a strong sentiment over real-life-drama, eked out of a need to let words chisel away the ice in my heart, or paint the dragon in my imaginations- all to a willing audience, but allow privacy and protectionist rules in mind. it’s tiring, all this calculation.
So this is the obligatory post. I will say it like it is, right here and nowhere else.
This thing… called love.
How wonderful it has been to have fallen in love. To experience words like nothing you have heard, seen or uttered. To savor moments, embalm them time immemorial. To hunt down every spare minute that you have with beloved other, to pursue every thought- to further the ends of you and the other. Love- is beautiful because it ignores reality, it forsakes convention, it is unencumbered by limitations of the self, all history, all present. The way I fell in love- I made one decision, and that was to respond- and nothing else after that was in my control, some will say, hey- auto-pilot mode.
But what a scary thing love can be. I don’t know how it has been for the millions out there, and I strongly believe each story begs to differ- but to a point, most must feel- that love is truly such a lesson. At some point, my relationship ceased to be a ride, it became a self-help guide I write for myself, painfully, page by page, word by word. The endless conversations with the ‘other’ takes a backseat, the endless conversations with myself about the ‘other’ begins. The emotions it puts me through, the great expectations I cultivate of the ‘other’, the bones I pick, the nuances so many- I don’t even know how to begin describing how new and foreign love became, and how it all suddenly applied, to me. This big strange thing.
I’ve realized that no matter how I envision things to be white-picket and rosy, I am but one in a relationship that takes two.
I’ve realized how heady and powerful the initial feelings were, and what a piece of work it will now be- trying to match it for the rest of the journey you make with this person.
I’ve realized that out of all the things that I want from love, the most important quality and perhaps also the most difficult quality to master- is to give.
I’m hoping to reconcile ideals of love and the reality of a relationship- to allot a person a space in your heart, but still continue to function as whole. To live with desires of being loved, but fulfill first those that want to love.
There are too many out-of-the-ordinary details to my current love affair. And yet, like any other person who deems herself to be in love, I too exaggerate the nature of the account, live too much in the drama of it, get caught up with the fatal twists and turns of the protagonist. How far will this character go for love? How much will she sacrifice for her foolish ideals? How much will she betray love to find love? Is there a happily-ever-after ending?
The cards will not be read. So I venture to write my own ending. For that must surely be the one of the unwritten rules of love. We-
I’ll-
He’ll-
We’ll…
The other unwritten rule- you never enter a game knowing the ending. For that surely, is a sure-sign that something is fatally wrong.
What a game. What a show.
Posted on September 4, 2010
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