meeting an ex-colleague

I get ready, put on my clothes in an artful fashion, prepare reading materials for the train-ride to town, prepare myself meant for talking to people, not to myself.

Friday afternoon, at an hour most office citizens fidget, when they walk up and down from cubicle to pantry, no longer eyeing that tray of doughnuts flown in from a certain Krispynation (or perhaps stuffing in that last doughnut in precisely the same sentiments- the sentiments of a bee losing its flower, the little prince without his rose on a faraway planet, the troll under the bridge without his goats). At this hour, I meet an ex-colleague at the Beans outlet at Wheelock.

Such an hour, and we who got to know each other at work, are both coincidentally not at work- I am job-hunting, she is holidaying from a Masters. We sit and watch ‘chichi taitais swim around in their designer togs, intent on leading meaningful, intellectually-stimulating lives by visiting the book institution, bookgiant, Borders.

I don’t know how to explain why I feel so empty at the moment, reflecting on my Friday. Its not an altogether momentous meeting- pretty ordinary day, ordinary catch-up. In fact, I enjoyed meeting someone after so being stuck at home for a week an a half because everyone is too busy, I enjoyed talking to someone who knows Melbourne, I enjoyed communicating with someone who is a friend, who isn’t an interviewer.

So why do I still feel empty? Is it because that the meeting was so nice but happens so little nowadays in my life?  Is it because I spent too much money on iced mocha, macaroons, needlessly on new lingerie and sandles? Is it because of the nauseating crowds and the savvy people swarming around Orchard on a Friday evening? Is it because of my inability to be optimistic these days? Is it because I don’t understand enough- this deep seed of dissatisfaction within me? If I begin to befriend this dissatisfaction, will it enlighten me? Will I rid it?

I ride the train home, and try to read my magazine -stubornly- whilst standing next to the busy doors where people get crushed up against in the after-work crowd.

In this narrative, nothing out-of-the-ordinary happens to this particular character. She gets on the train where she’s supposed to get on. She gets off where she wants to get off. It doesn’t even matter very much that she caught the wrong train while changing trains and had to ride an extra 5 minutes for her mistake. She scans the people who catch her eye. She cranks up her inner wish-dial for a little extra-ordinariness to her day, but nothing changes. Nothing happens.  An ordinary day. She cabs home.

Filed under: daily grind

Changeling

Black silk. Warm velvet glove. Paved streets and copper coins.

Not my world.

I wish that I were here and not here, all at once.

Filed under: memories, musings, places

Jobhunt fatigue

Enough said. The sense of urgency of the past two days- with application deadlines and chats- just disappeared today.

Today, hot and stuffy. Too hot to be spinning cover letters. Too hot to do anything.

*

On an interesting note. I’m extra sensitive to generalizations, so its no surprise words like “Its okay everyone goes through this…” do nothing to comfort me.

1. Everyone going through the same shit doesn’t mean a thing to me.

2. In fact, you’ve just managed to make me feel more pathetic.

So yesterday, at my helpliner training, we were acquainted with the life cycle models. You know- when you tell someone else, ‘Oh, you’re at that stage’, you’re probably referring to it. So we told to place ourselves in the model- and contemplate/reflect. It was pretty enlightening, try it.

How:

Think about which stage you are in life. Describe it in terms of emotional, mental, financial capacities.

What was your previous stage like?

Was the transition difficult?

What are you doing or what did you do to cope with the transition?

Are you stuck, or are you successful?

Right. I apologise if it sounds like some pretty lame shit, but it was cool. A class of women ranging from 23 to 55 (probably?) shared their personal situations, and it was just so cool getting to take so many shots at the everyday, getting so many different circumstances with different women in different places in their lives.

It was cool.

Filed under: daily grind, memories